


The Feeling Of Being Loved

by Harleyquilt



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Human, Child Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, One Shot, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 01:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17889254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harleyquilt/pseuds/Harleyquilt
Summary: A touken human au in which Kaneki and Touka become friends as young children and grow closer over time. But Kaneki's life is not a simple one, with a mother who refuses to show her love...





	The Feeling Of Being Loved

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably the fic I'm most proud of, even if it will remain as a oneshot. Again, graphic child abuse included, so don't read if it makes you uncomfortable. This is just how I pictured Kaneki's childhood...

The house was quiet, but Kaneki knew it wasn’t empty. Not yet, anyway. The small seven year old boy hugged his knees as he heard a door open a small distance away. Holding in his breath, he heard heavy footsteps walk past his room, his heartbeat beating rapidly. His eyes remained on the door, his body tense and unmoving. The footsteps paused for a moment and Kaneki could hear his heartbeat in his ears, biting his lip to hold back any noise, but he heard them start to move away down the hallway and at last, he could breathe again.

It wasn’t always like this, or well, it wasn’t as intense, but his mother had been in such a grim mood lately. It was usually at this time that his mum would return from her first job and resume her errands for her nightly job on the usual table in the living room. Kaneki had learnt to become invisible during these times, knowing full well the consequences of bothering her when she was tired. When his mum would sit at her table, Kaneki would quietly go into the kitchen to make himself a small meal out of the leftovers in the fridge and retreat back to his room to eat. However, on evenings like this, he knew better than to be anywhere near her . She would find any small excuse to…vent her frustrations out on him.

For now, it was probably better just to wait until she fell asleep out of exhaustion and then make his meal then. It’d only possibly take a few hours. Kaneki sighed and crawled off his bed, silently stepping towards the door and pressing his ear against it, hearing her take her seat and switched on the radio to play the soft melody she loved to help her get through her work. Feeling safe, Kaneki returned to his bed and reopened the book he had been reading just before his mum had came home.

He had read the book a thousand times now, but it was always his favourite. Like most books in the house, this one belonged to his father, before he had died of course. The story itself was a simple one, in a sense that the young protagonist breaks from the chains of his home village to explore the vast fantastical world beyond and yet Kaneki couldn’t help but feel an odd attachment for the story and it’s main character. He wondered if perhaps his dad also favoured this book at his age, after noticing all the continuously folded pages and creases, a name scribbled on the first page, which Kaneki couldn’t still read at this point. It was hard to describe, but Kaneki felt like he could be close to his father this way, reading the books he enjoyed despite not really knowing him at all.

He tried to ask his mum if she liked the book at one point, during one of her better moods, but she didn’t seem too eager to give a response. He decided she probably didn’t want to discuss his father’s books to her after that.

A few hours passed and Kaneki could feel his stomach growl angrily for food. Noticing it was already dark outside, he decided it might be safe to check on his mother. Opening his door silently, he tiptoed to the living room at the end of the hallway and unsurprisingly, she was asleep, her head resting on the table with a bunch of flowers in her hand. The radio was still on, the music as soothing as it usually was and he crept into the kitchen, his eyes darting over to her constantly as he prepared his meal. He was about to go back into his room, ready to eat his long awaited dinner, but after some hesitation, he stepped towards his mum and placed a spare blanket nearby onto her shoulders and a pillow under her head - he didn’t want to risk moving her too much, so after he took the flowers away, he left her where she was and returned to his bedroom.

Looking back, he saw that she was still asleep, noticing he was finally relaxing now that he was sure she wasn’t going to wake up. He didn’t know exactly what it was he felt for his mum, except for that deep hanging feeling of dread and paranoia, but he knew he couldn’t say he hated her. It was confusing, but he didn’t hate her. Perhaps it was simply the fact that she was his mother, making it impossible for him to hold such spite against someone who should be cherished and loved, though he wondered if she even saw him as her son at times. Maybe…no, it was silly. There was no use thinking such things right now.

Closing his door behind him. He thought no more about it for the rest of the night.

…

“Ken-chan! Wake up!” Kaneki’s mum knocked at his door, making him jump for a moment as he quickly tumbled out of bed, clumsily tipping over his empty bowl in the process. “Hide will be waiting for you soon.”

“Y-Yes, mum!” He squeaked. After getting dress and combing his messy bed hair, he shyly joined his mother at the dining table.

She seemed pretty chipper.

“I made breakfast today, Ken.” Kaneki nodded meekly, climbing up onto his chair to see she had made a delicious looking omelette with miso soup and freshly steamed rice on the side. She only made these omelettes on special occasions! “Quickly! Or you’re going to be late.”

He jumped a little at her comment, not exactly sure if she said it casually or out of annoyance. Regardless, he dug into his meal, savouring every bite before he thanked her many times for the meal. It was usually just rice porridge with egg, so it was understandable for Kaneki to be as excited as he was. His mother looked at him fondly as she ate her own meal and to be completely honest, it left Kaneki feeling a little on edge. To see her change so quickly between her mood from yesterday to her cheerful behaviour today was…uncanny though not exactly uncommon. Either way, he decided to just simply accept it as it is, knowing better than to waste these precious moments and went to get his schoolbag.

“I’m off, mum!” Kaneki called from the front door, about to put his shoes on, but when he heard no response, he decided she probably didn’t hear and went back to see her. “Mum…?”

His mother stood at the table, holding Kaneki’s soup bowl in hand and when he stepped closer, he realised her hand was actually trembling. He was about to call for her again, a deep churning in the pit of his stomach and his mind paralysed with a screaming fear. Following his instincts, he was about to turn and leave before anything could happen, but that was when she turned to him, eyes wide with rage and a snarl that shot daggers of disgust through him.

“You barely touched your soup.” She shook the bowl in front of his face, droplets spilling onto his shirt. “I give you a nice breakfast, and you couldn’t fucking finish it?”

“I-I was full and– and-” He stumbled back, his eyes already filled with tears and he watched her throw the bowl onto the ground, smashing it into shards as the soup splattered against the floor. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry!”

“You think I fucking slave away with my jobs just so I can waste what little I earn on your ungrateful life.” She raised her hand and Kaneki couldn’t think. He wanted to run, to hide, to call for someone. He doesn’t-

Hide looked at his watch, looking left and right down the street in hopes that Kaneki would turn up. He didn’t go to school yesterday, didn’t even call up sick and he was almost tempted to go over to Kaneki’s house to see if he was okay. Looking down at his watch again, he realised Kaneki probably wasn’t going to show up, but it only made him all the more anxious. He was probably overreacting. After all, he would only be sick, right? It wouldn’t be the first time, and yet…there was this uneasy feeling within him that only grew the more he thought about it. Something was wrong.

“Hide!” Kaneki hurried over to Hide, waving with a awkward smile. “I’m sorry I’m late, let’s hurry up to school.”

“Woah, slow down. What happened to your face?!” Hide shook him by his shoulders, his eyes on the white bandage on Kaneki’s cheek. Kaneki lowered his eyes, rubbing his chin.

“I fell yesterday. I didn’t come in after since it needed to be treated. It’s fine, really. Sorry for worrying you.” Hide glared at Kaneki’s hand, stepping back with a frown. He kept quiet, though, and Kaneki insisted that they hurry to school, trying to brush aside the injury. “Come on, let’s go.”

They arrived at school just in time and as they waited for their teacher to arrive, Hide allowed his friend copy the notes he missed out from yesterday. Begrudgingly, he decided not to pry into this ‘accident’ Kaneki claimed to have, already having some suspicion as to the truth behind the injury and instead chose to keep a cheery mood for him. The least he could do at this point was distract Kaneki from the pain.

“Didn’t you say your new book was coming out today?” Hide asked during their break, Kaneki’s eyes widening almost immediately. “We should check out that bookstore you saw after school.”

“Ah, but…” His voice trailed off with some glumness. “I don’t have any money.” He winced then, biting his lip. “I don’t think my mum-”

“I’ll pay for you!” Kaneki jumped at his loud proposal, already shaking his head. “I insist! It’s the least I could do after letting me copy all those forgotten homeworks.”

Kaneki wanted to protest, feeling almost guilty for having Hide pay for something he wasn’t even interested in, though he knew his friend would never actually be bothered for doing such a favour. Selfish as it was, it was touching seeing such a kind gesture, especially after yesterday. It was as if Hide knew exactly what to do to make him feel better again and for that, he was grateful to have such a good friend.

“Okay, okay, but you have to let me buy you a manga in return one day.” Hide nodded with a wide grin, shaking hands at their new deal before the bell rang, Hide moving to take his seat for class.

…

Hide was dragging Kaneki up the street, the timid boy yelling at his friend to slow down as he struggled to close his bag. Once they reached the top of the sloping street, they saw a row of different small shops lining the narrow pavement. At the far end was the bookshop that should be selling the new book he wanted, potted plants of hydrangeas and roses surrounding the entrance. With a little struggle, Hide pushed the door open and they walked into an antique looking shop.

Everything was made of dark oak and there was the smell of aged books in the air, the walls all bookshelves filled with different books of all kinds. A soft light poured through the windows at the far end of the shop, where there was an extended comfortable looking seating area with rugs, big old chairs and cushions set up. Near the centre of the shop, there was a rounded table covered with a white lace tablecloth on top, a small plate of cookies placed next to the stack of books. The whole place seemed to be like a setting took right out of a storybook and Kaneki simply stared at awe for a few moments, admiring every little detail of the store. It was almost magical for him and if he could, he’d never want to leave, the promise of all the different stories from all these books drawing him in.

“Hello there!” A lanky looking man with dark hair stepped around the counter, straightening the creases of his long baggy shirt with a bright smile. “What a pleasant surprise, two new customers. My name is Arata Kirishima, I’m the shop owner here. Can I help you with anything, boys?”

He kneeled in front of the two children, Kaneki becoming nervous as if he had just been caught trespassing on someone’s home. Hide, fortunately for him, stepped forward, eagerly telling the shop owner that Kaneki was looking for a new book. With a small look of surprise, Arata stood up and tapped his chin, looking around.

“I do wonder…Touka-chan! Did you see where your mother put that big box?” He called and he looked back at the two boys, asking them to wait for a small moment and headed up the stairs behind the counter. Hide nudged him a little, Kaneki still feeling a little nervous.

“He seems nice.” Hide whispered loudly, Kaneki shushing him. “And this place looks so cool! The books look boring though.”

“That’s because you don’t ever read any.” Kaneki huffed and he wandered to one of the stacks on the table nearby, leaning up on his toes to read a title he wasn’t familiar with. He saw the name Takatsuki Sen and grew curious at the cover. “Dear Kafka…”

“Who are you?” Kaneki jumped, stumbling a few steps back as both he and Hide turned to see a little girl peeking around the counter. She had a chubby round face with short dark hair pinned back with a bunny clip. With a pout and frown, she repeated her question. “I’ve never seen you here before, who are you?”

Kaneki looked between her and Hide awkwardly, with his friend simply giving a small shrug. Maybe he really shouldn’t be here and even though this girl was no doubt younger than him, he couldn’t help but feel incredibly intimidated by her glare. Then again, he didn’t want to anger her more or seem rude.

“K-Ken Kaneki. This is my friend-”

“I’m Hide Nagachika, nice to meet you!” The girl shrank back a little, hiding behind the counter. “What’s your name?”

After a small moment of awkward silence, they heard her small voice again. “Touka.” She said, still hiding. “Touka Kirishima.”

Ah, so she must be the shop owner’s daughter. That explained a few things. Hide seemed eager to talk, even if she still wasn’t willing to show her face, but her dad soon came back down the stairs, a book in hand.

“I found it. Sorry, we haven’t had time to set up a display for the books yet, they just got delivered today.” Arata held the book out for Kaneki, who nervously took the book with a dozen thank yous. “My, my, what a polite boy you are.” He chuckled. “My daughter could learn something from you. Speaking of which…”

He looked over to Touka, Kaneki and Hide looking back with him, to see her now standing with her hands behind her back, looking down with the pout still there. Arata chuckled and picked her up, the girl clutching to her dad’s shirt.

“Don’t mind her, she’s a little shy.” Arata sat her down on the counter, Hide remembering to take his money out. “I have to admit, I don’t see many your age reading such advanced books. Are you sure you’ll be able to handle this one?”

Kaneki gave a cheerful nod, looking down at the book he had been wanting for a while now. It was part of a series about a young boy forced into a world beyond his imagining as he faced new challenges every day. His teacher was actually the one to recommend it.

“I really enjoy these stories.” Kaneki confessed, looking back up to Arata. “It’s also fun to learn the new words I don’t know.”

Arata nodded, admiring the young boy for his passion in reading, despite his age and Hide leaned up to place a handful of coins on the counter. Arata counted each one, deciding not to tell the two boys they were a few hundred yen off the actual price. Touka looked back curiously, screwing her nose up at the thickness of the book, which wasn’t too thick in Kaneki’s opinion.

“You know, you could always read in our reading section over there.” He pointed to the comfy looking area Kaneki saw earlier, and he held his book tightly against his chest, admittedly wanting to just relax in this beautiful looking store. But he then looked up to the grandfather clock by the front entrance, realising he should get home before his mother does. “I’m sure Touka would love to-”

“I’m terribly sorry, Kirishima-san, but I can’t stay.” Kaneki bowed, feeling guilty for having to reject the offer. Hide looked at his friend with surprise, noticing before how he had his eyes on that particular area. “M-Maybe another time, though.”

“Of course, please don’t worry about it. Come at your own time, you’re always welcomed here.” Kaneki couldn’t help but feel comforted by those words, this place feeling so much more like the home he never had. After giving another nod, he and Hide head out the shop, Touka watching with a little disappointment at seeing them leave so soon. “What lovely boys, I hope they come back soon.”

…

Kaneki had visited the shop a few times now, every other week in fact, and it became a habit of his to read the books he borrowed in the reading area. He felt bad at first for not actually paying for the books he was reading from, but Arata insisted it was all fine as long as he was enjoying himself. It was strange, Kaneki thought, to be treated so kindly from a man he barely knew. It was so different compared to his own mother, where he’d always be tense and nervous. Here, however, he never felt the need to be cautious, to be careful about what he said or did. He was…relaxed and it was a feeling he was so unused to, besides the times he was with Hide.

It had been a few hours now, since he was able to take his time on saturdays with his mum being at work all day, and he had nearly finished the book Arata had recommended. Every now and again, he caught the sight of Touka at the corner of his eyes a small distance away, who seemed curious as to what he was reading. Touka would usually help around the shop as her dad worked, though with every visit Kaneki made, she seemed more interested in talking to him instead. He wouldn’t mind, of course, but he was never so good at instigating the conversation, which was obvious with how little friends he actually had.

Touka silently walked into the area he was in, glancing over to him whilst she reached up for a book of her own, a cookie in her other hand. After some difficulty actually reaching the book she wanted, she sat down opposite to Kaneki in the chair that was too big for her. Stuffing the cookie into her mouth, she sat back and opened her book, but at this point, Kaneki was too distracted by her to continue reading. He doubted she even came here with the intention to read…

He tried to carry on reading, but kept looking up to see Touka flipping through the pages quickly, despite all the words on the pages. Was she even reading at all? Still, she continued nibbling on her cookie, kicking her legs and flying through the pages, even skipping some.

“Um, Touka-chan.” She ignored him at first, which only intimidated Kaneki more and after he said her name a second time, Touka finally looking up with an annoyed scowl. “Are you actually…Reading that book?”

She looked back down for a moment and squirmed in her seat, glancing away from him. Putting the half eaten cookie aside, she tried to find her words, Kaneki waiting patiently with some idea as to what the answer will be.

“I…find it hard to read, but I like the pictures.” Touka held the book up to show him a page filled with drawings of rabbits. “I…” She hid her face behind her book, “really like bunnies.”

With all the times Kaneki had visited this shop, he had always seen her frowning or pouting, a certain stubbornness about her and yet, looking at her now, she was actually pretty cute, even if unintentionally. Kaneki couldn’t help but laugh a little at her response and stood up, placing his book aside.

“Touka-chan, would you like me to read to you?” She peeked over from the top of her book with wide eyes, giving a small nod after a moment of thought. She scooted to one side, giving Kaneki some room and he took a seat besides her, the book being held between them.

The book was pretty short - it was a story of two bunnies leaving their burrow to find a new home safe from the foxes - and he could tell that despite Touka’s interest only being in the drawings at first, she enjoyed the story and listened intently. When he finished, Touka demanded that he’d read it again, much to his dismay.

“B-But I just read it. Why don’t you read it?” He tried to hand the book to her but she only frowned and kicked his leg. “Ow! What was that for?!”

“Read it again!” Touka took the cookie she left on her lap and held it in front of him, Kaneki trying to lean away. “What if I gave you the rest of my cookie?”

Kaneki sighed and after much reluctance and thoughts of perhaps taking his chance and running off, he decided to sit back and read her the story once again, just as he did before. However, by the time he finished, he turned to see her asleep, her head leaning against his shoulder. Tensing up, he started to panic - should be move? He didn’t want to disturb her, but he wanted to leave soon…was he to spend an eternity in this bookstore because of one stubborn girl?!

“Touka-chan! It’s time to go.” Kaneki heard a woman’s voice call and he looked up to see a blonde, short haired woman peer into the reading area with a warm smile before she finally caught Kaneki’s eyes. He shrunk back, feeling the blush creep up onto his cheeks.

“Oh, you must be the Kaneki-kun Arata talked about. Nice to meet you. I’m Touka’s mother, Hikari Kirishima.” The woman held her hand out and Kaneki timidly shook her hand in return, mumbling a small hello. She then looked at the sleeping Touka and let out a small laugh. “Sorry if she was any trouble for you. She can be quite a handful.” She picked Touka up, the small girl murmured something in her sleep as she clutched to her mother’s shoulders. “It was nice meeting you, Kaneki-kun.”

As she walked away, Kaneki noticed another small boy, or rather a toddler, glaring at him from the archway that led to the main shop. He had big chubby cheeks, but his dark hair and eyes strongly resembled Touka, probably her brother. Kaneki got up to leave, ready to buy the book he was reading before and noticed the toddler hide behind the wall on his way out after paying.

All the while, Kaneki felt pretty humbled to know this new family that ran his now favourite bookstore. Of course, he didn’t technically know them, they were just strangers after all, but they all seemed to welcome, or at least acknowledge him, in their own ways. It was an odd sensation, admittedly, to feel welcomed in a place he didn’t really belong in. Was it so selfish to wish that maybe, just for once, he could be a part of a family he didn’t deserve? There was Hide, but his family were always busy with work and personal affairs for Kaneki to ever really get to know them. The Kirishima’s, however, have showed nothing but kindness, even when he overstayed his welcome.

But now, he had to return to his own family. And suddenly, this small fantasy of his, this warm feeling that engulfed him everytime he walked through that shop’s door, was now gone and was instead replaced with an uncomfortable dread that seemed to drown out any other thought he may have had before.

If only he could always stay in that shop forever.

…

Two years later

Kaneki checked his watch, growing impatient for Hide to show up. It was the beginning of the new school year and he was still late. Of all days…No matter, Kaneki would just meet him in class since they’re together again, so instead of waiting, he decided to just head straight to school for his final year in elementary. There was still a whole year before he’d have to go to junior high, yet he was still a tad bit nervous at the idea. Though at the same time, he was also a little excited, considering he never had such strong attachments to his elementary school life besides his friendship with Hide.

“Kaneki-kun!” He looked back in surprise, expecting Hide. Instead, he saw a petite girl dressed in a pink tee and a skirt with braces, her short hair tied into two small pigtails. “Did you forget I was coming to your school, idiot?”

“How could I forget, you kept telling me all week.” He rolled his eyes and waited for her to catch up, a slight skip in her step. “Are you excited?”

Touka’s smile seemed to drop a little, her expression replaced with a look of nervousness whilst she continued skipping along. Kaneki remembered how scared he had been on his first day, though he doubted she would as honest with her feelings, which she rarely ever was to begin with. He instead smiled and placed a hand on her shoulder, Touka looking at him with questioning eyes.

“It’s going to be fine. I’ll help you if you’re ever stuck.” She smiled then, even if slightly, the worry leaving her. She pushed his hand off and nodded, her face beaming.

“I know, stupid. I’m not worried.” Kaneki sighed again, her arrogance never seeming to falter. “Of course not.” He murmured sarcastically and she shot him a glare. “But you’re going to have to show more respect if you want to do well. Remember what your parents told you.”

She pouted, knowing he was referring to the small lecture her parent had given her the last time she called him an idiot during his last visit at the bookstore. Despite her annoyance, she has no intention in disappointing her family on her first day to school. She’ll be as smart as Kaneki, as popular as Hide and won’t ever utter a rude or crude word against anyone, no matter how big a dunce they may be.

Kaneki watched the enthusiasm light up her wide eyes and he couldn’t help but feel a small bout of giddiness at her behaviour. The last time she had this look was when she had finally read her first book all on her own with little to no struggle. What could possibly go wrong?

…

“I need to go tidy up my house today, but I promise I’ll buy you the manga tomorrow.” Kaneki rolled his eyes as Hide clung to his arm, whining with impatience. “Quit your complaining! Maybe if you wasn’t late, you wouldn’t have had to stay behind to catch up and we would’ve gotten extra time to go!”

“That’s just mean! I needed my beauty sleep.” As Hide continued his insistent rambling of excuses, Kaneki caught sight of Touka a small distance away, sitting on the edge of the entrance steps. “Oh! Is that Touka?” Hide followed Kaneki’s gaze and stood in front. “Tooouka-chan!”

She didn’t even look up, her head in her hands and her shoulders hunched. The two boys raised their brows with concern and quickly headed towards her, the small girl quickly wiping her eyes as they neared. Kaneki’s heart dropped when he finally got a good look of her – her eyes were puffy from tears, her cheeks and knees dirtied and scraped and her clothes practically caked with mud. Her hair was a mess and her clip was gone, but worst of all was the dejected, defeated look in those eyes that were brimming with hope in the morning. Everything about her was beaten down, even her spirit. He wanted to help, he wanted to tell her it was going to be okay, that things won’t be like this tomorrow, but he could see himself in the way Touka sat like that, knowing full well what it was like to be in the position she was in now.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Touka mumbled, rubbing her sore nose with the same usual glower of hers. “I just got in a fight, that’s all.” They stared in silence for a moment, not sure whether to give her the comfort she was already rejecting. “I’m…” She sniffed and lowered her head, pulling up her bag. “I’m just going to go home. See you-”

“I’ll walk you home.” Kaneki stepped besides her and before she could protest, he took her hand into his. “S-Sorry, Hide.” But Hide was already waving them off, promising to meet them tomorrow morning and left, leaving just Kaneki and Touka. She didn’t even have the strength to snatch her hand back and just followed behind him quietly as he started walking.

“I could clean you off before you go in the shop.” Kaneki suggested with what little enthusiasm he could muster, but she remained quiet, her hand squeezing his. “I’m sure Arata-san and Hikari-san will understand. We can get those cookies you really like and-”

“My first day.” Touka stopped and Kaneki turned back to her, confused. “My first day and I ended up like this.” Tears fell onto the ground and Touka wiped her face again with some frustration, holding back her sobs. “I was supposed to make mama and papa proud. I-I was supposed to be good, b-but I got in trouble and started a f-fight and– and-”

Kaneki pulled her into a tight hug, rubbing her back and she hesitated for a moment, still sniffling before she wrapped her arms around him. He was so warm and he held her so tightly, not even saying a word. She had known him for a while now, but these small acts of kindness, kindness she never sees from the other children, always surprised her. Even with her calling him names and being so hasty with him, he never turned away from her. Why…why was he so nice? She didn’t understand him at all.

“It’s going to be okay.” Kaneki told her, his voice soft and quiet. She still felt incredibly nervous to confront her family, especially in this state, but…he was there for her. He was still by her side, despite it all. “I can help you clean up and I’ll explain what happened to your parents.” She froze, her body tensing up, but when he pulled back, his reassuring smile helped her relax again. “Come on. You’re not hurt, are you? I could give you a piggyback ride if you are.”

She shook her head and he took her hand, Touka this time clinging to his arm and sticking close to his side during the rest of the journey. She vaguely remembered overhearing Kaneki needing to get home, though she wasn’t sure if she was willing to let him go just yet. His presence kept her calm, at the very least. Somewhere at the back of her mind was still hanging in guilt at having to face her parents this way, though it wasn’t like she had anywhere else to go. Taking a deep breath, she squeezed Kaneki’s arm and she saw her home at the end of the street.

When they entered the shop, she expected disgusted looks and harsh scoldings. However, when she finally had the courage to raise her ashamed head, she saw her parents gasp with shock and they ran towards her, kneeling in front of her with eyes filled with worry and voices asking flurries of questions. They turned her this way and that and before she was able to tell them that this was all her fault, they pulled her into a suffocating hug. Kaneki awkwardly stood to the side, admiring the lovely scene before him - he knew Touka wouldn’t be scrutinised and it was nice to see her proven wrong. In the best sense, of course.

“Look at you! You’re a mess, what happened?” Her mum pulled back, rubbing her dirtied cheeks gently with Touka’s tears quickly returning. “Oh, sweetie, did the other kids do this to you?”

“Come on, don’t cry, we won’t be mad.” Her dad added, offering her a gentle smile that gave her that nice warm feeling which always made her happier in return. “Tell us everything and we’ll get you cleaned up.”

They got up to take Touka upstairs to where they lived and she turned back to see Kaneki watching them with an almost sad expression. With a frown, she walked over to where he was and he stared for a moment, stuttering a question she didn’t pay much mind to. Instead, she gave him a quick hug, Touka squeezing so hard that she just about knocked the air out of him and once the damage was done, she ran off up the stairs, not giving him a chance to see her flustered, blushing cheeks.

“What an awkward child.” Hikari laughed and shooed her husband off to find her. Kaneki rubbed his stomach and lifted his bag up to leave just as Hikari stepped in front of him. “You’re so good to her, Kaneki-kun. I can’t let you leave after walking her all the way home, please, let me at least make you some dinner-”

“I-I’m sorry, I really need to get home, I’m already late and-”

“You’re always in such a rush.” Hikari smiled, but her smile seemed strained and she kneeled down in front of him, her brows raised. “Are your parents strict?”

“Aha, well- sorta, it’s just my mum but…” Kaneki shifted his weight to either foot, rubbing the back of his head and his eyes darted around the shop. “I have chores to do before my mum comes home.”

She watched him for a long moment and he worried she could almost see right through him, watching the small trembling fear within him that cowered behind the truth of his life - if he came home after his mum, she’ll just use it as an another excuse to blame him for all the terrible things that happened to her that day. He only prayed that if he left now, she’d be too tired to notice the untidy living room and unwashed dishes. Hikari narrowed her eyes, as if hearing these secret thoughts herself, yet she said nothing more and stood back up, sighing as she did.

“I’m very sorry for taking up your time then, but I’ll be sure to make you a delicious lunch Touka can give to you tomorrow morning as thanks. You eat nothing but sandwiches and you’re a growing boy.” Kaneki nooded shyly and Hikari chuckled, heading towards the stairs. “Thank you again, Kaneki-kun.”

Kaneki stayed until she was gone completely and when he saw the time, he felt his heart surge for a moment and ran out as quickly as he could.

…

Kaneki’s legs trembled and burned by the time he reached his home, his breathing heavy and body drenched with sweat. He couldn’t afford to check the time, so he only prayed that it would be in his favour this one time. Maybe she would be caught up in traffic, or had to take a detour, perhaps go to the shop quickly and-

Everything seemed to stop when he heard faint music playing softly from the living room. He has heard it so many times before, every note carved into his memory, the melody always giving him an unusual shiver. Now, however, it outright haunted him. It felt like the calling to danger, to an unavoidable trouble he had placed himself into. For a brief flicker of a moment, he hoped she might’ve miraculously fallen asleep, but the sound of her snipping the roses soon proved him wrong.

There was a lump in his throat when he swallowed, his shaking hands closing the door behind him and he took off his shoes as quietly as he could, barely breathing all the while. He didn’t know whether to go straight to his room and pray for the best, or just confront his mum and get it over with. He must’ve took too long to decide, though, because the sound of his mother’s voice soon called for him. He bit his lip so hard that he was sure it was now cut. As calmly as he could, he headed to the living room, her back facing him like it always did.

“I made you some dinner.” Kaneki waited for more, for her to shout that he wasn’t being grateful enough by not being here on time. But she said nothing more. “Don’t just stand there. Go eat. You just need to heat it up.”

“S-Sure, thank y-you.” He nodded and stumbled towards the kitchen, unable to even think clearly. Was she in a good mood? She didn’t exactly sound cheery…The meal was soon heated and he didn’t want to insult her by eating in his room, so he sat down on the table and started eating. Oddly enough, as he looked down, he realised it was his favourite meal - hamburg steak. She only ever made this for his birthday or Christmas…

Every now and again, he’d glance over to his mum, watching her work like she always did. He rarely saw her work, now that he thought about it and now that he was here, starting to realise she worked as a robot would; her actions were monotonous, doing the same action again and again with little to no change in the way she moved. It was unnerving to watch, to see something so…unnatural. Despite his discomfort, he didn’t dare move from his seat. At least this way, he got a slither of comfort from the fact that she was making no effort to move or to stop working. Should he dare hope that she was actually okay with him returning late to a messy home?

Once he finished, he washed up the dishes, along with the ones he left this morning and since she wasn’t making any attempt to say anything further to him, he decided to calm his nerves with one of his father’s books from the study. Perhaps then he’ll be able to relax.

That was when the music stopped.

“Ken.” She walked into the kitchen and tossed a bundle of scarlet roses into the sink. “You were late today.”

He licked his chapped lips nervously and fiddled with the hem of his shirt, trying his best to keep his hands steady. His mind went erratic, and yet everything fell to a stop at the same time, Kaneki blinking slowly in hopes that he’d somehow wake up from what he hoped to be a nightmare.

“It was such a shame. I wanted to surprise you with dinner today.” She slumped back against a counter, a hand covering her frowning face. “But you weren’t here…”

“I’m r-r-really sorry– I-I was helping a f-friend and- and-” He felt tears threaten to fall from his eyes. He didn’t even know what he could say to lessen the pain. “I’m so sorry. I won’t ever b-be late again!”

“Oh, Ken.” Her hand dropped and he tensed up at seeing a soft smile on her face and feeling her hand rest on top of his head. “Oh, my beautiful, clever boy. It’s okay. Really, it is.” Her fingers brushed through his hair tenderly, but the nauseous anxiety only grew and he wanted nothing more than to escape from her grasp. “You don’t have to look so scared, Ken. Why are you scared, Ken? Ken, why don’t you answer me? I told you it was fine, didn’t I? Ken, my sweet boy.”

He nodded, but it seemed that she was no longer paying attention to him.

“Oh, Ken. You remind me so much of your father.” That was when her grip tightened, her nails digging into his scalp. Her voice fell into a sour bitterness, a tut followed after her words. He winced and tried to pull back, but she only tugged him back harder. “No no no no, don’t leave me, not like him. DON’T LEAVE!” Her hand cracked against his cheek, knocking him down to the ground. “Don’t you dare leave! I’ve done all this for you and you want to leave? You– you-” Her voice was nothing more than a screech and she raised her hand, bringing it down again and again and again and again. “You bastard! You piece of shit! The fuck is wrong with your head, I told you not to leave, didn’t I? Answer me, Ken, ANSWER ME!”

Kaneki’s mind went blank after that. He didn’t know how long she went on for, but by the time he finally found the strength to lift himself up from the cold ground in the kitchen, all he could think about was retreating back to his room. His feet dragged behind him and he clutched his head, wincing at the headache that followed and he lifted his eyes to the body that was lying on the couch, an arm draped across her sleeping face. Other times, he might’ve hesitated before finally turning back to cover her in a blanket and make her a little more comfortable, but Kaneki could only scowl, seeping with rage. With a disgusted sneer, he walked over to her and allowed his imagination run wild with the wickedly harsh thoughts he had of her, thoughts he never once spoken aloud. He wanted her to wake up, just for a moment, so he could spit all these words at her. He wanted her to know, to know what her own son thought of his disgusting mother. If only…

“Ken…” Kaneki flinched, his breath hitching and he took a step back. She reached out, her voice hoarse as she called that name again, her hand loosely holding his wrist. “I’m sorry.”

Kaneki should’ve ran at that moment and not take this chance for her to lash out again, yet he didn’t even try. He simply looked down at the bruises that littered his arm and snorted, glaring at her pathetic, sorrowful face that was wet with tears. Is this how he looked under her? Did he look this weak? It was so tempting to ask her all this, to demand answers just as she had a moment ago.

“Say you’ll forgive me.” She weeped, sobbing between words. “I just need to get money. More money. The jobs…please, don’t hate me. Don’t-”

“I wish you just died already.” His voice was quiet and mellow, but it silenced her and the heavy blow from those words alone did it’s damage. The apartment was now filled with a dreadful tension and he soon snatched his hand back and finally made his way to his room, feeling empty and so, so cold.

He should’ve just stayed with Touka-chan.

…

Kaneki sat alone at the end of the cafeteria table, resting his head behind his crossed arms. Hide had some extra activities he had to do for class and he felt little motivation to tag along, last night still swarming hauntingly in mind. Oddly enough, he didn’t feel nearly as guilty as he expected himself to feel, though with that said, he didn’t feel much about pretty much anything anymore. He just wanted to stay home and read. Perhaps sleep and never wake up…

“Oiiii!” Touka kicked his seat and he jumped up, not even noticing her walk up. “What’s with you? You look tired and you don’t have any lunch. Are you okay?” She had a stern look to her, and her face was now a little scratched with blue and pink bandaids on her cheek and nose. Her eyes widened when she saw a bandage above his right eye. “Oh! Did you get in a fight?! Who did it, I’ll find them and get them. You see, after the fight yesterday, mama told me not to give up and let them win, so this morning I find this huge stick-”

Kaneki rested his head against his hand, smiling at Touka’s dramatic and silly story with a newfound energy that was in shambles the day before. Despite what may have entailed yesterday, he at least felt glad he had decided to go through with walking Touka home. He would again, if given the choice and it was relieving to see that she decided not to let her own problems drag her down.

Nothing like him.

He admired her whilst she finished talking and straightened suddenly, as if remembering something and she reached into her bag, taking out a small package. He looked at it questionably and Touka only responded with a beaming smile and sat opposite. He opened it to a delicious looking lunch of rice, fried chicken, beef and green beans. It was relatively simple, but he hadn’t had a cooked lunch in so long, since he never had time to make one in the mornings or night. Touka also passed him a carton of strawberry milk, which she knew to be his favourite. He looked up at her again, puzzled.

“Why you looking at me like that? I saw you were a little sad so I thought I’d get you some milk.” She opened up her own lunch, which was the same as his and gave a awkwardly shy smile. “Since you helped me…yesterday and, uh, so…”

“Thank you, Touka-chan.” He sighed and took a bite out of the meal, the food tasting as nice as it looked. “Aha,” Touka giggled, “you’re finally smiling.”

Ah, so he was. He hadn’t really noticed, but it didn’t surprise him. He could always smile so easily when Touka was nearby. It was something he found that he really enjoyed when he was with her, ever since they met when they were a little younger. That warm, fuzzy feeling that always drowned out all the dreadful things that hung around his neck and he could breathe freely with the comfort of her presence and friendship.

“Let’s walk home together again.” Kaneki said, surprising Touka. She nodded with an even bigger, toothy grin and continued to eat. “Thank you, Touka-chan.”

“Hm? What for?”

For a lot of things really.

“The meal,” he chuckled, rubbing his chin, “could you thank your mum for me too? It’s really nice.”

Touka watched his hand drop, her smile now gone and her eyes blankly staring at his chin. He always did that now and again…strange.

“Sure.”

…

Once he parted from Hide and Touka, even after both kept suggesting they stay round their houses for the night, he contemplated what exactly he should do when he got home. His mum was gone by the time he woke up, probably doing the early shift she needed to do every now and again for some extra cash. He had wondered if she had even remembered his words from last night…Probably not. She barely even heard half the things he said to begin with.

When he arrived home, however, he heard music. That music always chipped away at his resolve, the soothing melody nothing more than a ear-piercing siren warning him to stay away. Checking his watch, he panicked for a moment that walking home had taken longer than anticipated, but it was still too early for her to be back. He guessed he shouldn’t be too surprised, considering the early shift, he was just grateful he wasn’t late this time round.

Besides the song from the radio, it felt oddly quiet and more eerie than it usually would, though that could easily be blamed for last night. Still, she might’ve called him over by now, especially since she was home early. Kaneki wanted nothing more than to hide under his covers, to escape into the far away places in his books, and yet something kept tugging him towards the living room. Maybe a quick check won’t be too big an issue. Plucking up his courage, he tiptoed to where she was.

Oh…She was already asleep. That was certainly…odd. Perhaps she was already tired from her earlier shift. He stepped around the scattered tissues and tossed books littered across the floor - probably her doing once she returned, and he kneeled next to her, seeing white roses still being held in her hand. He sneered, hoping she’d prick herself on the thorns and he leaned up to switch off the music. He might as well wake her, or she’ll just get mad that she didn’t finish her work.

“Wake up.” He shook her roughly, ready to dash away. He flinched back, expecting her to groan or for her shut eyes to open. Nothing. Was she that tired? “Hey, I said wake up, you still need to do the roses.” He frowned, his mum still not moving. She was frighteningly cold and so still. “Mum? Mama, wake up. Hey!”

Why won’t she move? Why won’t she move?! Her skin, it was so cold. She isn’t moving, she isn’t-

“Mama, wake up!” Tears rolled down his eyes, his voice now a sobbing shout and his whole body trembled uncontrollably. “I-I, I- I didn’t mean it! Wake up! S-Stop pretending, I’m sorry, I was just kidding. Open your eyes, PLEASE!”

He didn’t mean it

I wish you just died already.

He didn’t.

You’re finally smiling.

He-

You think I fucking slave away with my jobs just so I can waste what little I earn on your ungrateful life

He…

Say you’ll forgive me.

He killed her.


End file.
